The next step is to hear out your partner.
“Once you convey what you feel, allow your partner to talk more than how much you are talking. Let them talk,” says Dr Saras Prasad, consultant in psychiatry at Yatharth Super Speciality Hospital and co-founder of the mental health platform Yes Mindy.
“Since you have decided to end the relationship, let your partner have a better closure than you because you are anyway going on to a trajectory or a path where you are expecting to find a better life for yourself,” he adds. Dr Saras further said that letting the partner vent, communicate and express more can help in a smooth transition.
“If the person feels heard and understood, the insight onto the other partner comes by itself. The more you talk, the more you figure out. So, allow them to talk and vent out – the good things and the bad things about the relationships,” he adds.
Remember that your partner deserves clarity. “Most people leave without giving clarity. Being clear is important. Also, unless it is a very black-and-white reason, acknowledge your role in the relationship dissolving,” says Mansi.
Avoid defence mechanism
“Unfortunately, when people exit relationships, their egos sometimes play a larger role than their reasons,” says Dr Saras who adds that it all leads to the blame game.
“People tend to defend themselves and focus on their unhappiness and dissatisfaction with the relationship,” he says. “To avoid the sub-conscious conflict within them about ‘I decided to come out of this relationship so I am already doing bad’, they deploy defence mechanisms like blaming and reacting. They make it look dirty, subconsciously, so that things end suddenly. One should avoid doing that,” Dr Saras explains.
“Once you have decided to outgrow this relationship, you only want to become a better version of yourself and it starts with how you end the relationship,” he adds.
Let your partner understand how the breakup can help them
While communicating, you can give it a shape of how breaking up can be better for both partners.
“If you can get that imagination into play, then maybe the other person will take up your advice. They may be able to visualise how coming out of this relationship can be beneficial for them. It depends on if you let them speak up and communicate, instead of finding flaws and focusing on why you want to take a step back,” Dr Saras explains.
“The more they talk, the more they are likely to realise how it can turn out better for them,” he adds.
Be ready for an emotional outburst
Remember, being left is hard. It takes people time to come to terms with it and internalise endings.
“There will be pleading, promises, emotional outbursts. Avoid the temptation to give into them just because ‘I don’t want to hurt them’ or you feel anxious seeing their response,” says Mansi.
Involve someone
“In situations of abuse, it’s important to involve other people and ensure safety before attempting to break up. This advice is pertinent to non-abusive and threatening relationships,” says Mansi Poddar.
Get them to help
If your partner’s behaviour is becoming extreme during the breakup scenario, consider introducing them to a mental health expert.
“Take them to the expert, perhaps for just an interview, a general assessment, or a basic check. The mental health expert can give the insight to the person that their behaviour is not going to help this relationship either and tell your partner to build themselves up and become a better, healthy individual,” Dr Saras explains.
Don’t throw breadcrumbs. Draw boundaries
“Breakups become messy when we go back and forth. We continue to throw breadcrumbs and get confused about ending it. This only causes more pain and stress for the person being left behind. They oscillate between wildly hopeful and deeply crushed. This is traumatic,” says Mansi.
Being aware that it is going to be emotional, messy and painful for all involved can also help. “Be prepared to have the person reach out and try to reconnect. Avoid blocking them immediately. Keep firm and communicate your intentions. If needed, involve someone to help you communicate,” suggests Mansi.
So, take the plunge only when you are ready. And once you are ready to break up, stick to it. “You need to draw boundaries. You also need to realise that by being with that person, you are doing more harm than good. Because ultimately, if that person has to unlock their full potential, you have to get out of this so that they can learn new ways of coping,” adds Dr Saras.
Approach this difficult situation with openness, understanding and a readiness to face emotional challenges. The process may be messy and painful, but it’s important to prioritise one’s well-being and handle the situation as responsibly as possible.
